7 Terrible Ways Depression Can Seep Into Your Marriage
momjunction 
Depression is a mental illness that is affecting more people than we are aware of. In fact, in many cases, the person who suffers from depression, even the chronic type, does not realize that he is depressed. While depression can change the way a person behaves in a given situation, it also has a deep impact on personal as well as professional relationships.
Depression affects not just the person but the entire family and the relationship between them. MomJunction helps you understand the reasons and symptoms of depression, how it affects a marriage, and how you can tackle it.
5 Main Causes Of Depression:
Depression is a psychological illness caused due to various factors. A few of them are:
1. Any form of abuse in the past:
If you have suffered from any form of abuse in the past, as a child or as an adult, it is likely that you may suffer from depression. The abuse can be physical, verbal, emotional, mental, and even sexual. Those who experience any form of abuse tend to get into depression at some point in their lives.
2. Some medications have depression as side effect:
If you are on any type of medication and tend to feel low or sad, it is possible that your medicines are causing depression. There are some types of medicines, such as those for treating acne, some anti-viral medications, and more which can make you feel depressed.
3. Disagreements with family or loved ones:
If you are already prone to suffer from depression, any conflict that you are involved in or see in the family or experience with your loved ones, could trigger depression in you.
4. Related to hereditary or genetic makeup:
If you have a family history of depression, where you know that someone in your family has suffered from or is suffering from depression, you too have a higher risk of suffering from depression.
5. Any major loss or a major event:
In most cases, the biggest loss that could trigger depression is a death in the family or that of a loved one. However, in some cases, other situations, which are equally responsible for causing depression could be the loss of a job or property, the breakdown of a relationship, and so on.
In fact, the opposite is also true in some cases. Starting a new job, getting married, knowing that you are going to have a baby are major events that could also trigger depression in people.
4 Reasons That Can Cause Depression In A Marriage:
While depression is a mental condition, there are certain situations in a marriage that can also make you feel depressed. Here are a few such situations which may have an adverse effect on you and make you feel low and unworthy:
1. Feeling dominated most of the time:
A healthy relationship is one in which both the partners share equal rights and power. However, there are also relationships in which the controls are clearly in the hands of one partner. If you are in such a relationship, you may constantly feel low or less powerful than your partner who dominates you.
You will get used to listening to your partner all the time and giving in to whatever he says and wants you to do. If this goes on, you may lose out on your own decision-making abilities and instead look to your partner for support and guidance at all times. It can have a lasting impact on your self-confidence as you may soon begin feeling worthless.
2. Loneliness:
It is possible that your husband is always busy, and you find yourself alone at home most of the time. Or, it is also possible that both you and your husband have very busy careers and as a result are not able to spend any time together at all, at least not as much as you would have wanted to. You find yourself in your own company most of the time, and it is difficult to match your schedules. When this happens, it could leave you feeling lonely and on your own with a void that ends up making you sad and depressed.
3. Lack of communication:
If you and your partner do not share a healthy communication, it is possible that both of you do not express your deepest desires, fears, and thoughts to each other. To have a healthy and happy relationship, it is important that both of you can talk openly about things you have in mind. When you and your partner fail to communicate on a regular basis, it can lead to a lot of pent up emotions and hurt, which can make you feel sad and lead to depression.
4. Abusive relationship:
An abusive relationship does not necessarily mean that your partner hurts you physically. It can also be a relationship in which your partner abuses you verbally, where he uses derogatory remarks or words against you or talks bad about you in front of and to others, threatens you, or demeans you. This could be a form of mental abuse. An abusive relationship can have negative effects that can last a lifetime.
5. If your partner is depressed:
This may sound weird, but often, depression can be a contagious disease. Of course, that does not mean that depression spreads when you touch a person suffering from depression. It means that when your partner is depressed, and you see him feeling low and sad all the time and talking and behaving in a negative manner, it can trigger feelings of negativity in you as well, even without your realizing it.
8 Common Symptoms Associated With Depression:
Here are some of the most common symptoms that you may notice when you or a loved one is suffering from depression:
1. Feeling low:
Depression brings on with it an all pervasive low and blue feeling. If you are depressed, you will feel an extreme sadness at all times, without actually being able to understand what it is that is making you feel sad. You may be among friends or family members who genuinely care for you and love you, but you may still feel as if you are unhappy and sad, and nothing can make you happy again.
2. No interest in favorite activities:
When you get depressed, you will not want to participate in any activities or events, even those that are your favorite. You may have liked football, theater, painting, etc., but when you are depressed nothing appeases you. Simple things such as going out with friends is also something that will not give you happiness.
3. Sudden weight loss or gain:
Depression can trigger a sudden and noticeable weight fluctuation in your body. If you are depressed, you may suddenly start to gain weight, without having tried to do so. Or, you could suddenly start losing a lot of weight, without intentionally doing anything about it. In most cases, the weight loss or gain is actually associated with other behavioral symptoms of depression, such as difficulty in sleeping and eating.
4. A change in appetite:
When you are depressed, you will have difficulty in maintaining your regular eating patterns. You may notice that you do not feel hungry at all. Even when you do eat, you find the food tasteless. On the other hand, you may find yourself eating much more than you normally do. To get rid of the low feeling that you have, you will try to find emotional dependency in food.
5. Difficulty in sleeping:
Being depressed can also have a very serious impact on your sleeping patterns. You may suddenly find it difficult to fall asleep or stay asleep. Even when you do fall asleep, it could be in short bouts with you waking up a lot. Just like you appetite, you may sleep a lot too, at rates higher than your normal pattern. The worst part would be that in spite of sleeping so much, you would still be sleepy.
6. Feeling exhausted:
Exhaustion and a very strong feeling of being tired are also something that is associated with depression. No matter how much you rest, you will feel that you are always tired, and your body is ready to give up. All you would feel like doing is to lie down and rest.
7. Loss of focus:
Depression can alter your concentration and your ability to focus. You find it difficult to settle down and concentrate on anything because you are constantly exhausted and tired. Even when you do manage to focus on something, it will be for a very short span of time.
8. Fantasizing and talking about death and loss:
Not surprisingly, death and anything related to dying or experiencing a loss is a big part of the fantasies and thoughts you would have when you are suffering from depression. You begin thinking how it would be to kill or hurt yourself. Thoughts about inflicting pain on yourself, or doing it as a form of punishment to yourself are also common symptoms of depression.
How Can Depression Affect Your Marriage?
While you are not responsible for causing your depression, it can have a very lasting impact on your marriage. Even if one partner is suffering from depression, it can severely affect the other partner. Here are a few ways in which depression can affect your marital life:
1. A low feeling:
Your spouse’s depression will affect you and the overall mood at the home. It will leave a bad, low, and negative energy around the place.
2. Makes you feel unloved:
It is possible that while your partner is suffering from depression, you are the only one who tries to initiate any emotional, romantic, or physical activities or gestures. Your spouse may always seem uninterested in connecting with you at any level and may not even reciprocate or acknowledge your gestures. As a result, it could make you feel unloved and unwanted.
3. Affects your finances:
While your finances may take a hit if your spouse is going through depression as he may have to pay for the medication, the overall finances will also get affected. If your spouse is not willing to go to work anymore and ends up losing the job, it could result in a financial crunch that you may have to take care of all by yourself.
4. Feeling the pressure and no time for self:
While earlier you may have had the perfect balance of a happy and settled life at home, a good professional and a fun social life, once your partner starts suffering from depression, you may feel that nothing is in balance anymore. You may have too many things to take care of at home, especially when your partner is unable to help with things at home and share the load.
As a result, you may not be able to connect with your friends the way you did earlier, or involve in activities that make you feel relaxed and happy. When you have to put in all your time in your partner’s health day in and day out, without getting any time for yourself, it could make you feel drained. You may also feel that you have too much to do in too less time.
5. Negative thoughts about marriage:
Depression may make your partner take a very dark and negative take on marriage. Your partner may not show any faith in the institution, and may talk about why marriage is a negative thing and how it is stopping your partner from being happy. You, on the other hand, may be all for marriage, but when you hear such negative thoughts about marriage from the person you are married to, it could lead to confusion and doubt.
6. No sexual connect:
When your partner loses interest in most regular activities as a result of depression, it also includes the act of making love. Your partner will hardly initiate sex, and even if you are the one who initiates it, your partner may not indulge. Constant refusal may affect your self-worth affecting your marriage.
7. Working alone:
As your depressed partner will not be in a position to do a lot of work at home, or otherwise, you feel that you’re responsible for keeping the home steady, and the relationship alive. When you see no appreciation or support from your partner, it could make you feel that you are investing your time and energy in something that may not really have a future.
How To Help Your Partner Through Depression And Save The Marriage:
Marriage is a long-term commitment that you have made to your partner, and it takes a lot of effort from both partners to keep it happy and healthy. While it may seem easy to give up and call it quits, if you have loved your partner in the past, it is possible to try a few more tips that can help you keep your marriage intact. Here are a few things that could help:
Remember that it is an illness:
Just as you would have taken care of your spouse when he suffered from a fever or other medical illnesses, depression too requires the same effort. What your partner is going through or feeling or expressing is not something that your spouse is doing out of choice. In fact, your spouse may be a naturally happy and fun loving person, who is now trapped in a series of sad and dark phases. If you look at depression as another form of illness, it will be easier for you to understand your spouse better and try to work things out.
Get help:
Once you start noticing the signs of depression in your partner, it is advisable to get medical help at the earliest. The doctor will examine your partner and suggest the next course of treatment.
Be there:
This is that time in your marriage when your partner needs you the most. Sure, you have spent some amazing times together when your partner was happy and in the best of health. But what about now, when your partner is feeling low does not find any reason to be happy? Instead of wondering why your partner has turned into this stranger, show your unconditional love and support and encourage your partner to trust you.
Follow a routine:
Try to maintain as much routine in your days as possible. Encourage your partner to get out of bed at the same time each day and indulge in breakfast, getting ready for the day, heading out to work, sleeping on time, and so on. When your partner follows a routine, it will be easier to stay occupied and focus less on the sad and negative thoughts.
A Few Books You May Like To Read On Depression:
If you want to read a bit more about the subject and how it affects people for real and how they fight back, here are a few titles we would recommend:
- Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel
- Darkness Visible by William Styrom
- Girl Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen
Marriage is a commitment of a lifetime where you promise to be by your partner’s side forever, but depression can be one of those challenging phases that may throw you off your guard. If you suspect your spouse is depressed, get immediate medical attention. Also, speak to a trusted family member or friend who can help you stay motivated as well as provide you mental support.
Community Experiences
Join the conversation and become a part of our vibrant community! Share your stories, experiences, and insights to connect with like-minded individuals.
