Are You Scared Of Your Pregnancy?
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Ever since I can remember, I have wanted a family. However clichéd it might sound, I always dreamed of getting married and having sweet, little babies. And then, those dreams finally started coming true. It was at the age of 28 that I met my husband for the first time. It was his sister who played the cupid and arranged for the both of us to meet. Though my husband is almost six years older than me, it did not matter. We instantly connected and got married soon after.
Being in his 30s, my husband was conscious of his age and wanted to have a child soon. When he asked me about this, I was also elated since I had always wanted a family. We started trying for a baby soon after we got married. After almost a year of disappointment, I finally got my wish. While I had expected to be on top of the world after looking at the positive pregnancy test result, what I actually felt left me completely shocked.
As I stood in my washroom staring at the home pregnancy test, a feeling of terror washed over me. All I could think was that I can’t have this baby. I felt so baffled and ashamed that I couldn’t even muster up the courage to tell my husband about it. And when I finally did tell him (almost after a week), not only did I tell him about the pregnancy but also said that I was uncomfortable going through with it. Of course, he was confused and angry. I felt miserable and thought that only one thing could save me. Even though I had wished for it my entire life, I wanted to do away with it now.
I had always been a fitness enthusiast and the thought of not having any control over myself shook me. I suffered from diabetes and my husband suggested how I should meet my specialist doctor. She knew me for several years and was aware of how I had really wanted a baby. My doctor somehow convinced me to consult a psychologist once. Thank God, I did! If not for that, my son wouldn’t be here.
The first time I met my psychologist, I was five weeks pregnant. I hesitantly explained how I was concerned about not having any control over my own body. She listened to me for a while and diagnosed me with tokophobia. This is a condition where one fears pregnancy and childbirth (1). While I had never heard of anything like this, my doctor convinced me that it is quite a real medical condition. And, has also resulted in several women aborting their much-wanted babies.
The doctor further explained to me by drawing similarity between my situation and that of an arachnophobe trapped inside a box full of spiders. I went for regular therapy sessions and was also given some anti-depressants. Though this ensured that I didn’t think of abortions any longer, it did not make the pregnancy any bit easier.
The only way that I was able to cope with the situation was to ignore that it was happening. It was difficult for me to talk about it even with my husband and parents, let alone having this discussion with friends or complete strangers. While everyone expected me to be excited and happy, I could barely pretend to act normal. I was scared of being judged. I didn’t expect anyone to understand because I couldn’t understand it either, at least not entirely. In fact, when we stepped out, my supportive husband helped me tremendously in uncomfortable situations. He would completely take over the conversation if he felt someone was treading into my safe space.
However, this entire weight of confusion, sadness, and shame was lifted as soon as my son arrived into this world. I have never found the heart to tell my son about it. I don’t want him to feel that he was unwanted because he is anything but that. We both wanted him in our life so very desperately. I also feel guilty for robbing my husband of the usual excitement and anticipation that comes with pregnancy.
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