Therapists Reveal 3 Of The Biggest Mistakes Women Make In Relationships And How To Avoid Them
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As hard as you may strive for perfection in your relationship, making mistakes will continue to be a part of that journey. But that doesn’t mean you jump the gun and just give up. Getting to a stage in your relationship where it has achieved near perfection is a long-drawn process – one that requires patience, understanding, maturity, and most importantly the ability to transform your mistakes into positive learning experiences.
Now, it’s true that both the partners make their fair share of mistakes in a relationship. But today we’re going to focus on the faux pas women make and how to overcome them and prevent future recurrences.
Here are 3 of the biggest mistakes women make in a relationship, according to leading therapists!
1. Giving In To The 4 Destructors
4 very particular things are capable of destroying any relationship, especially the bond shared by a couple, according to renowned therapist and researcher, John Gottman (1). These 4 relationship destroyers are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. You already know what the first 3 are; but as for stonewalling, it is the act of closing yourself up from the person on the other side.
How To Avoid This Mistake:
It might seem quite difficult to bring your walls down and change your perceptions but it can be done:
- Turn the criticism into a constructive conversation with positive sentences. For example, instead of the rather agitated, “You don’t talk to me anymore,” try saying “Honey, I really would like to spend some time talking about our future.”
- Turn contempt into gratitude. It’s quite easy to fall prey to bitterness and focus on the negative attributes of your partner. But remember, you’re in this relationship for a reason, so try diverting your attention to the positive traits.
- Turn defensiveness into something positive by changing your viewpoint. Acknowledge the fact that your partner has a stance of his own too and that you can also be at fault. A sincere apology can help settle the dust and also inspire humility.
- Turn stonewalling into self-care. Shrugging off your partner’s question of “what’s wrong” with a cold “nothing” isn’t going to solve things. Instead, take your time and be honest with your partner about it with a statement like “Can we please talk later? I need some time to myself.”
2. Staying Passive-Aggressive Whenever There’s A Fight
This is an extension of the behavior of stonewalling that we discussed in the previous point. That said, unlike stonewalling, a passive-aggressive behavior can be either conscious or unconscious. Examples of such behavior include slamming the door on your partner’s face, conveniently “forgetting” to do something your partner asked you to or even bringing up taunts in normal conversations. In any case, according to Dr. Susan Krauss Whitbourne, it’s a way of “closing off a route of communication,” which will only lead to more trouble and a prolonging of the problem that could’ve been solved way before.
How To Avoid This Mistake:
Turn your passive-aggressiveness to your advantage. According to Dr. Krauss Whitbourne, it’s very well possible that being passive-aggressive is not in your nature and this is an unusual behavior for you. In that case, you might want to take some time off to yourself and analyze what’s bothering you to cause such behavior. Once you figure it out, talk about it honestly with your partner.
3. Choosing To Uphold Your Interpretation Over The Truth
Not to sound sexist or offensive in any way, but as women, we have the tendency to get emotional and choose our own interpretations of the real facts of the situation, believing the former to be true. This can trigger an unpleasant response and add to the problem that already exists.
How To Avoid This Mistake:
It’s simple. Always choose the truth rather than what you think could be the truth of a situation. Dr. Azita Sayan recommends you handle it this way – say, for example, your man has been having an exhausting time at work and doesn’t talk as much at home anymore. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t have time for you. It actually means that he is just tired. Also, if your man tells you he has no money, it may just mean that he’s short of cash and is just being cautious instead of being unwilling to spend on you or the family. Generally, a man means what he says. So, always assume the best instead of the worst. If you have a doubt, clear it out by asking him.
Remember, the purpose of this article is not to say that women are the only ones who make mistakes and, hence, should make amends. No, it’s just to point out that these things happen and act as a hindrance towards the construction of a beautiful relationship. So, if you identify, stop them immediately!
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