4 Tips To Raise Your Sons Without Telling Them To “Man Up”
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Every parent wants the best for their children, and to ensure this, they often discipline them or lecture them on how to conduct themselves. Unfortunately, when it comes to raising sons, that narrative can often drift towards the conversation of conveying that they need to “act like a man.” Although you mean well, telling your son to “be a man” will not teach him the good qualities that he needs to cultivate, nor will it encourage him to learn behaviorisms that are more beneficial. Instead, it can make your son feel like a project and make him overlook his personality and unique characteristics to forcefully fit into a stereotypical mold of what he ought to be. This then leads to him suppressing and overriding his emotions. As time progresses, he will lose touch with his feelings and not know how to recognize most of them, let alone express them. As a result, upon reaching adulthood, most boys struggle with being emotionally present, leading to academic underperformance, fighting, recklessness, and other negative consequences. And that doesn’t sound like the attributes of a well-rounded person. So, how can you raise your son to be a man without coaxing him to ” man up”?
Here are 4 tips for you:
1. Advocate For Your Child
Pigeonholing boys into a stereotypical box happens from day one. Most boys are told to stop crying or throwing tantrums when they are little to be “strong boys.” They are not allowed to play with dolls or take up activities such as painting that seem too feminine. Instead, they trade it for a sport they feel pressured to excel at, to meet expectations of loving competition, playing through pain, and seeking dominance. Although these attributes are not negative, and sports must definitely be enjoyed, associating them to what constitutes a man will only discourage him further and adversely affect him if he does not show a natural inclination towards them. There are many ways parents can help by running interference and normalizing when their boys are struggling. Thinking about the overall situation and what he is struggling with will help you gain an idea as to toeing the line of setting limits and validating his feelings. Your goal is to empower him to stand up to external pressures.
2. Encourage Him To Cultivate A Strong Sense Of Self
Dealing with peer pressure takes a strong sense of self to steer clear of negative norms. Cultivating a strong connection and relationship with your son will prevent him from falling prey to peer pressure and the desire to overcompensate for your lack of validation. One way to ensure that you and your son share an unbreakable bond is by practicing the art of mirroring. Now, this is not as complicated as it sounds. Take turns with your partner expressing how much you love and appreciate your son. Be as specific as possible by bringing up particular instances and actual stories of when your son displayed behavior that you were proud of. Finding common interests and being patient and accessible will also help your child be open with you about what they are going through.
3. Prioritize Emotional Expression
Emotional awareness and expressiveness are important skills that everyone should develop. And developing relationships is the best way to practice forming them. Expressing one’s feelings only comes when one feels protected from shame and judgment. Removing barriers and threats is a great way to encourage your son to share his feelings, no matter how raw or unpleasant they may feel. Most sons often express anger as it is the one emotion they are not belittled for feeling, but as time goes by, they will start to articulate other emotions. For them to do so, parents will have to practice the skill of listening to their boy’s feelings, which, although straightforward, can be challenging. Work on your ability to silence your internal monologue when they exhibit behavior that is not desirable and, instead, try to figure out what has upset them. Being warm, attentive, and interested instead of irritated and emotionally reactive will do wonders to get through to your son. Experiencing that their parents’ attention and interest are genuine and pleasant is all the push they need.
4. Teach Him Autonomy
The key here is not to stress on independence as a lack of need for help. Everyone needs help sometimes, and knowing that it is okay to receive it will only better your son’s ability to navigate through life. However, it is important to develop healthy autonomy by stressing on initiative, judgment, and confidence. Parents can do this by accompanying their sons through challenges and letting them learn from their mistakes instead of stepping in to clear the mess. Trusting them to achieve their own goals and face their hurdles gives them the confidence to be themselves and know that they are enough.
Although compromise and sacrifice are important to foster relationships, being respectful and listening to each other is always a good way to clear conflict. Teaching your sons to resort to physical altercations instead of being open about their feelings in a cordial manner will only over-complicate their lives and relationships. It is important to keep in mind the values and beliefs you impart to your sons when helping them become the men they want to be.
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