What To Do When Everything In Your Relationship Is Great—Except The Sex
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You’ve been going out for a while and it’s been a good run. Your dinner date pictures look straight out of the movies. He makes you laugh, he supports you emotionally and most importantly, he listens to you. No wonder you are the topic of green-eyed, envious conversations amongst all your friends. And while everything is simply fantastic, you can’t help but wonder why that spark never came alive again after the sizzle of that first kiss, those first few nights when it was all fire.
Is there no way to get that raw, intense heat back again?
Experts say there is. Here’s how you can take your relationship from not-so-great-sex to oh-my-I-can’t-wait-to-get-you-in-bed again!
First Things First, Figure Out If Any Of You Have A Health Problem
The problem may not be lack of attraction at all. So instead of playing the blame game in your mind or out loud, get yourself medically tested to rule out the possibility of an underlying health issue. Holly Richmond, a psychologistwho happens to be a renowned sex expert in California, says that factors like anxiety and pain can ruin sex for a couple to a large extent(1),(2).
Moreover, certain medications such as antidepressants are also responsible for bringing your libido down (3). Hence, before you jump to conclusions and decide to give up after repeated attempts, it’s vital to consult your doctor and know exactly what is going wrong.
Sit Down And Talk With Your Partner
This might be a really hard thing to do since you really do not want to upset your partner by telling them that your sex drive is waning. But, it’s a conversation you need to have regardless. And in fact, here’s the upside: when the sex decreases, you get to talk more. Or at least that is whatsex therapist and co-director of the Modern Sex Therapy Institute, Rachel Needle, PsyD, has to say. This can pave the way for more intimacy in your relationship, which is actually a good thing.
If you don’t know how to start this conversation, try to initiate it by taking it to a note of curiosity: ifs, buts and other hypothetical scenarios, says Richmond. For example, if you and your partner are not having sex as much as you’d like, try saying,“I’m wondering why we are not indulging in it as much as we used to” instead of taking a less tactical approach of “I hate it that you don’t want to have sex anymore.” A gentle, understanding and non-insinuating approach is the best way to bring up this sensitive topic.
Once you’re past this initial phase and the conversation is in motion, try to ask your partner what exactly is going wrong between the two of you and offer constructive solutions for the issues that crop up. Richmond is of the opinion that couples should not be shy when having this conversation and should be explicit while expressing what exactly they want to do to spice things up.
Try Things Out In The Bedroom
Now that you have had the conversation, figured out the possible solutions and cleared up any kind of leftover confusion, it’s time to take the plunge. If you have decided that you need more foreplay to get things hot- try it out. If you think new positions will work, get into the groove and make them happen. Whatever it is you think will work; you should give it a shot without hesitation.
According to Needle, you and your partner need to be open to experimentation in order to make things work. You can try out role-playing, sex toys, music and even a change of place to bring back the excitement.
Another thing that can surprisingly work is masturbation! Although this may sound counterintuitive, Richmond actively encourages her patients to indulge in this activity as it can be a great learning experience and can also help each partner discover what turns them on. They can use this knowledge and apply it in the bedroom. All you need to do is let your partner know what makes you orgasm.
Get Professional Help
If all else fails and the fire still refuses to burn between the two of you, it might be a good idea to get in touch with a professional sex expert. Sex therapists can help you and your partner discover what turns each of you on. Additionally, counseling sessions can also help you two open up.
Don’t get disheartened if the sex is not great right now. It will be great again. All you need is a little bit of patience, understanding and an open attitude. If you and your partner are willing to work this through, there’s no problem you won’t be able to overcome. Stay in love, rest shall fall in place.
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