How To Rebuild Trust In A Relationship: Moving On After Betrayal
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Faith is a fragile thing. Even though it forms the foundation of any relationship, once it’s broken, it can be pretty hard to recover from. Especially in a romantic relationship or a marriage where infidelity is cited as the commonest reason for divorce in more than 150 nations worldwide (1).
However, betrayal is not just hard for the person who has been betrayed but also for the one who has done the betraying. But the important thing is to move past the initial flood of emotions, and find a way to salvage the relationship. So, if you’ve betrayed someone, here’s how you can fix things and rebuild your relationship (2).
1. Take Responsibility
If you have broken your partner’s trust, do not make any excuses for doing what you did. Even if your circumstances were awful. Instead of trying to justify it by blaming the circumstances or your partner for your betrayal, take responsibility for your own actions. It should make it easier for you to gain forgiveness.
2. Apologize
Once you’ve admitted to your fault, apologize for it too. And make sure you’re sincere while you’re at it. Apart from apologizing, expressing the deepest and truest remorse for your actions is also a must if you want to rebuild your relationship. This’ll help your partner know that not only are you sorry, but you also feel bad about what you’ve done. Also, describe to your partner what caused you to commit infidelity so that your partner can understand what led you to do it. However, be careful to not make it sound like an excuse or a blame game.
3. Act More, Talk Less
Words are not enough if you want to make amends. If you’re really remorseful for what you’ve done, make sure your actions convey the same. So, for example, if you had a fling with a colleague, change your job to let your partner know you really mean what you say and feel. This will help foster trust.
4. Show Sincerity
And feel it too. Breaking your partner’s trust can put you in a spot, one where every move you make and every word you say may be subject to intense scrutiny. In such cases, you need to be completely honest and sincere in words as well as your actions. So, don’t do or say things just because they’ll make your partner feel better. Do or say things because you really want to earn their trust.
5. Consistency Is Key
While trying to fix your relationship, don’t just focus on amending the big issues. A relationship is built on countless small things as well, so make sure you uphold your partner’s trust in them too. Not doing so can only make things worse and violate trust even further. So, for example, if you promised your partner you’ll do the dishes, ensure that you do them. Show your partner you can be trusted in every sphere of life.
6. Reaffirm Your Commitment
To gain back the trust you’ve lost, you’ll need to show your partner that you’re still very much committed to the relationship. Reaffirm your commitment and reassure your partner of it, telling them that the relationship is still valuable to you and that the two of you share the same values and goals. When your partner feels that you prioritize your relationship over and above everything else, it’ll be easier for them to trust you.
7. Be Patient
You have to give your relationship and your partner a lot of time for them to recover from this major bump in the road. Healing is a time-consuming process, so you will have to be patient, even if you’re eager to move on and put all of this behind you. Which means you will have to go through the uncomfortable discussions of your betrayal every now and then. And all you can do is be patient.
8. Be Understanding And Empathize
Your partner will likely go through a turmoil of emotions, and you will have to understand that they too are hurting. Try to put your partner’s feelings before yours so that you can truly empathize with what they are going through. Show that you’re willing to weather this storm, and even go through painful conversations. It’ll just make your partner feel that you care.
9. Be Open To New Rules And Dynamics
In such a delicate situation, it’s natural for your partner to be skeptical of your actions and words more than they ever were before. In order to fix things, they may demand more transparency from you and even set new limits, such as showing them your texts if you had an affair. Accepting these without showing defensiveness is necessary to regain trust.
As someone who has been betrayed, it is your responsibility too to try and make things work. Especially if your partner is genuinely sorry. So, try to be forgiving even when it’s difficult and never take the chance to humiliate your partner in order to exact revenge. That will only make matters worse. Instead, try to talk about your issues calmly and maturely, and make the changes necessary for your relationship to survive.
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