The Truth Is, I Love The Way You Make Me Feel

Have you ever been with someone who you know is not right for you? You know in your heart of hearts, that it’s never going to work out, yet you can’t let go them. I know I have. He and I were as different as chalk and cheese. And I knew right from the beginning that there was no way that we would end up together, still, I couldn’t hold myself back from falling in love with him.

I always thought that I was destined for bigger things. The brightest student in my class, the distinction award winner of my batch in college were some of the laurels that I had earned in my 23 years of life. Not to sound like a braggart but I knew I had great potential. While I had just finished college and was on the lookout for the next best opportunity to prove myself, my parents were busy looking for a suitable groom. Every wedding we went to, every party we attended, it all served as the perfect hunting grounds for a suitable boy. While I would always hope they would take notice of my achievements, they were more interested in my attributes. Had I put on too much weight? Was I becoming too tanned? They always assailed me with these questions whenever they could spot me sitting idle in the house. Soon, it became so much that I would take any opportunity to spend some time outside the house. In order to find a more permanent solution to this problem, I decided to find a job. Little did I knew then that job was going to change my life forever.

When Sneha Met Shantanu

The job turned out to be more than I had bargained for. I took the first job I had found, which was working as a writer for a cable news programme. I was a member of a team of three people which was headed by a guy named Shantanu. Shantanu had been the head writer for the programme for almost two years when I joined the team. He wasn’t much older than me and my teammates, but his demeanor was such that none of us took him for any less than a 30-year old. While the rest of us would often kid around at the office, he would be sitting at his desk giving us looks for behaving as what he termed as “juveniles”. He never mingled with us and we didn’t mind it as much because we all felt a little intimidated by him. It so happened that we had a few changes in the programming and a new segment was added to the show for which Shantanu and I had been assigned writing responsibilities. This meant that we had to work in close proximity.

This was the time I actually got to know him. It turned out that he wasn’t as bad as we thought him to be, he was just focused on his career. He wanted to make a name for himself. In his own words, he couldn’t afford to waste his time in frivolities. He would often tell me, “Sneha, you can do so much. Why are you settling for this? Why aren’t you trying for bigger things in life? I am sure you aren’t meant for this.” Whenever I would hear him say this, it would touch the deepest corners of my heart. For the first time in my life, someone saw something in me. I felt valued for my brain, my intellect.

When Love Or Something Like That Happened

I don’t know if it was this validation or the fact that we were spending so much time together, but I could feel myself falling for him. And I fell for him, hard. I would look forward to going to work for it meant that I would get to see him. I would work overtime just to impress him. If he noticed this, he never said anything, but he never ceased to encourage me for my work. He would guide me, encourage me to do better. He was protective of me. When we would be working late, he would often order meals for both of us, and usually, it would be something I liked. He would often drop me home, always waiting outside the gate until I safely made my way inside the house. I don’t know why he did this or if he felt anything for me. What I did know was that I loved the way it made me feel. I felt enveloped in a soft cocoon of warm, cozy feelings. I had no intention of asking him how he felt about me. I just wanted to enjoy it while I could, for I knew sooner or later it would end. And sure enough, that day came.

One morning, I reached office to find everyone eating pastries with great relish. As I turned to keep my bag, I found myself face to face with Shantanu. He was offering me a pastry, “I got admission in a great university, I am going to the U.S.A to do my masters.” I was taken aback. He had never mentioned it to me, so this was completely out of the blue. It also meant that whatever we had, or we shared was all in the past. Whatever I felt for him couldn’t come to fruition.

It’s been two years since Shantanu went to the USA, we still keep in touch, though I never told him how I felt. How could I? He never said he loved me or even liked me. I am not even sure if I loved him, but I am sure of one thing. I loved the way he made feel so confident about myself. I loved the way he made me feel valued, protected and cared for. And that’s more than what most people get in a lifetime and I am happy with that. I’m happy to have crossed paths with someone who made me feel good about myself, and I’m guilty of falling in love with someone for the way they made me feel about myself.

Note: As narrated to the author.

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